Fake Obituaries

Indie band Spork Implosion, who has died aged 6 of musical differences, was a pivotal presence in the middlingly popular late 2009-early 2010 Neo-Acoustic Dub Funk scene that also included The Yams, Enormous Swab Mentality and Beehive Suitcase.

Spork Implosion was born in Oxford in 2005, when four staggeringly average-looking and shy young men in the same Political Science course in university came together over a mutual love of The Pixies and hating other people’s taste in music.

The foursome became a quintet when the band learned that lead singer Malcolm’s girlfriend’s brother Rob owned an acoustic bass and a couple of effects pedals. Rob joined Spork Implosion, bringing with him all of his equipment and six books of abysmally dour poetry. The latter formed the basis of the band’s lyrics for their first two demo EPs.

Spork Implosion toured the local area and garnered a small but loyal following of skinny indie kids with overly-self-aware outdated haircuts and ironic t-shirts that referenced things that were popular before they were born. The band released a demo which made it into the hands of an A&R man at Whippet Records but which sadly never made it into his CD player.

In 2006 the band supported The Enormous Hole that Appeared in Some Bloke’s Kitchen One Day on a tour of the south of England. This gained them some attention from the music press, who fawned over them like slathering pumas around a dying gerbil. New Musical Express called them “The Future of Music” while Mojo said “Spork Implosion is the future of music” and Spin said “the future of music has to be Spork Implosion.” The band did not feature in any of these magazines ever again.

Having signed to a record label in 2007, Spork Implosion released their eponymous debut album in June of that year. Pitchfork magazine said they were “a musical behemoth who takes no prisoners, attacking the listener with a raw, punchy sound that sweeps you off your feet and into a fuckatronic pain burst.” Singles from the album, ‘I Love you (ooh baby yeah)’, ‘I’m sad because you don’t Love me (ooh baby no)’ and ‘(Will You Still Love me if I’m) Staring at my Feet to Avoid Eye Contact’, all charged into the pop charts at numbers #73, #68 and #80, respectively.

An international tour in 2008 had to be called off when one of the band’s amplifiers made a really loud wailing feedback noise during a gig in Montreal and they were forced to go home in shame.

Spork Implosion’s second and third albums were released with little fanfare in 2009 and 2010. Fans did not like the new direction that the band was taking, which involved a greater influence of early 90s rave music and trying to play their instruments with their buttocks. They were soon dropped by their record label like an expensive toy from the hands of a clumsy child who doesn’t deserve nice things.

Spork Implosion, indie band, born 2005, died 2011. The guitarist will be joining the Shitbricks in February.