Lebanon Fratricide, who has died of whimsical jodhpurs aged 56, will be forever remembered among friends, family and the Irish, especially around sundown and on Thursdays.
Born in Bwelt, near Scundunt, Fratricide spent his childhood trying to recreate the bliss of his pre-birth months. He was often found hiding inside a giant cushion that he had placed within a barrel of apple juice. This did nothing to diminish his mother’s many regrets.
Once resigned to a life outside the womb, Lebanon (or “Lebsidoo” as he preferred to be called) embarked on what would become a life-long search for adventure. Even as a young child he would chase local policemen on his bicycle, kicking them and laughing at their shrieks as he herded dozens of them into a nearby lake. Sadly this did little to satisfy his need for excitement, and the dry-cleaning bills were often outrageous.
At the age of 18 Lebsidoo decided to go to war, but when he couldn’t find one worth going to, he decided to start his own instead. After entering into hostilities with the nearby town of Yesminster, Fratricide engaged in a devastating six-year campaign that resulted in the death or displacement of more than a million people, and at times saw the intervention of forces from the UN, NATO and the British Association of Blind Vintners. Although he ultimately lost the war, Lebanon did end up controlling sunstantial parts of Denmark.
Even with his thirst for battle quenched, Fratricide still yearned for excitement, and between 1981 and 1984 he ran around the local area with a sharpened stick, pointing it at people and generally causing a nuisance. He stopped these shenanigans after being given freedom of the city of Manchester and not knowing what to do with it.
In 1987 Lebanon announced that he was going to climb Mount Everest, and immediately regretted it.
Problems with mental health and the Inland Revenue Service meant that Lebanon was effectively a recluse during the 1990s and 2000s. He lived the life of a nomad, moving from shed to shed in people’s back gardens, only moving on when discovered hiding under a lathe or between some fence-making equipment. It’s rumoured that he subsisted on a diet of old topless-model calendars and tarpaulin.
Lebanon Fratricide, born 1955, died 2012. People wishing to donate whistles are asked to leave them in the bucket by the door.