Plenderchrist Asymptote, who has died aged 91, said in a 2005 speech that he had had such a long and fulfilling life that he knew he would “die a very happy man.” The people present when he did die claim that this statement was not entirely true; in fact, he seemed to be in some distress throughout the disembowelling.
Born into the black and white era in Oofshock, near Dalliance, the happiness of Asymptote’s early family life was shattered when his father lost his earlobes in an industrial printing accident and became incurably afflicted with melancholy. With no breadwinner in the family, his mother took up debauchery to pay the bills. For their part, Plenderchrist and his two older brothers Nitwing and Guttersnipe auctioned off their capacity to dream. They raised eight bob, two shillings and thruppenny.
During World War 2, Plenderchrist enlisted in the army. He was chosen as part of an elite group whose job was to protect the animals in Gorsebain Zoo from looters and the Hun. During the five years he spent here, Asymptote forged numerous friendships that would endure for decades. Perhaps the closest of these friendships was with Auntie Poppycock, the Zoo’s prized African rhino.
With the war over as soon as the glorious Americans joined in and saved everyone, Asymptote tried his hand at writing plays. His first to make it to the stage was “Murder, by the Dickens!” in 1947. Unfortunately, on the first night it was shut down by the police for lewdness, on account of a pivotal scene involving a flatulent goose eating a symbolically oversized croissant.
After the disappointment in the censorship of his artistic outlet, Plenderchrist became a door-to-door encyclopaedia salesman. He worked hard at this job for several years, until he was fired in 1956 for somehow making his way into Buckingham Palace, where he persuaded Queen Elizabeth (II) to purchase eleven million pounds’ worth of books. Full of remorse at her role in his unemployment, Lizzie (II) persuaded then-Prime Minister Sir Gordon Arghkwright to make Asymptote a Junior Minister for Vegetables.
Asymptote’s political career lasted only four months, ending when the Times newspaper published photographs of him French-kissing a tadpole.
For the next two decades, Asymptote lived in relative obscurity, managing a shop that sold Bunsen-burners and gauze to lab assistants and creepy children.
In 1979, a mistakenly-delivered Moog synthesiser found its way into Asymptote’s possession, and he embarked on an unlikely – yet successful –synthpop musical career. His biggest hit, Laffer Curve Groove, reached number 17 in the pop charts and earned the 59-year-old an invitation to support Kraftwerk on their European tour. He quit half-way through, citing “an irreconcilable aversion to wurst”.
Plenderchrist Asymptote is survived by his wife, who wasn’t mentioned in this obituary, and his children, who were mentioned but were edited out so we could fit in a picture.