Fake Obituaries

Greek deity Epithemus has died at the age of around 8000 years. He had been suffering from a long battle with cultural relevance.

Epithemus was born when his father, Silenas the God of Unfathomably Large Hats, accidentally spilled his seed into the cosmos after seeing a particularly erotic goose. Some of Gorges’ seed found its way into Demes, the Goddess of Disapproving Eyerolls, and Epithemus burst forth into the world like a crazy supernatural bullet.

In God school, Epithemus excelled at Lightning Boltery and Advanced Vengeance. After graduating, he applied for the vacant position of God of War, but lost out in the final stages of the interview. He attributed this to his answering the question “What are your weaknesses” with “Turning into a bull and harassing human women.”

Epithemus was later given the role of ‘God of Looking like You Know What You’re Doing when You’re Actually Winging it’.

In a famous mishap, Epithemus accidentally shot a life-giving firebolt to earth when he broke wind in Vulcan’s workshop. The bolt raised several humans from the dead, an act that is said to have been the inspiration for the story of Jesus and Lazarus in the Christian religion, and also of the Troma sci-fi horror film Space Zombie Bingo.

After enjoying much of the age when gods and mortals mingled freely, and all of the age of heroes, Epithemus started to suffer from a lack of cultural relevance in the modern era. Speaking in Playgod Magazine in 372 AD, he claimed a lack of concern at his plight. “We’ve got these new boys these days,” he said, “Your Trinity Jesuses and your Allahs, and they’ve made a name for themselves, you know? All credit to them, really. Can’t begrudge them their success at all.”

Epithemus tried to engineer a comeback in the lucrative American market in the sixteenth century, but was beaten out by Jesus, who went on to become a big star in that market. Citing fatigue, the ancient Greek retired to Crete, where he spent his last three centuries growing olives and watching women bathe while disguised as an owl.

Epithemus, God of Looking like You Know What You’re Doing when You’re Actually Winging it, born circa 6000 BC, died 2012. The funeral will be in St. God’s Church; guests are requested not to sacrifice any animals in the car park.

Plenderchrist Asymptote, who has died aged 91, said in a 2005 speech that he had had such a long and fulfilling life that he knew he would “die a very happy man.” The people present when he did die claim that this statement was not entirely true; in fact, he seemed to be in some distress throughout the disembowelling.

Born into the black and white era in Oofshock, near Dalliance, the happiness of Asymptote’s early family life was shattered when his father lost his earlobes in an industrial printing accident and became incurably afflicted with melancholy. With no breadwinner in the family, his mother took up debauchery to pay the bills. For their part, Plenderchrist and his two older brothers Nitwing and Guttersnipe auctioned off their capacity to dream. They raised eight bob, two shillings and thruppenny.

During World War 2, Plenderchrist enlisted in the army. He was chosen as part of an elite group whose job was to protect the animals in Gorsebain Zoo from looters and the Hun. During the five years he spent here, Asymptote forged numerous friendships that would endure for decades. Perhaps the closest of these friendships was with Auntie Poppycock, the Zoo’s prized African rhino.

With the war over as soon as the glorious Americans joined in and saved everyone, Asymptote tried his hand at writing plays. His first to make it to the stage was “Murder, by the Dickens!” in 1947. Unfortunately, on the first night it was shut down by the police for lewdness, on account of a pivotal scene involving a flatulent goose eating a symbolically oversized croissant.

After the disappointment in the censorship of his artistic outlet, Plenderchrist became a door-to-door encyclopaedia salesman. He worked hard at this job for several years, until he was fired in 1956 for somehow making his way into Buckingham Palace, where he persuaded Queen Elizabeth (II) to purchase eleven million pounds’ worth of books. Full of remorse at her role in his unemployment, Lizzie (II) persuaded then-Prime Minister Sir Gordon Arghkwright to make Asymptote a Junior Minister for Vegetables.

Asymptote’s political career lasted only four months, ending when the Times newspaper published photographs of him French-kissing a tadpole.

For the next two decades, Asymptote lived in relative obscurity, managing a shop that sold Bunsen-burners and gauze to lab assistants and creepy children.

In 1979, a mistakenly-delivered Moog synthesiser found its way into Asymptote’s possession, and he embarked on an unlikely – yet successful –synthpop musical career. His biggest hit, Laffer Curve Groove, reached number 17 in the pop charts and earned the 59-year-old an invitation to support Kraftwerk on their European tour. He quit half-way through, citing “an irreconcilable aversion to wurst”.

Plenderchrist Asymptote is survived by his wife, who wasn’t mentioned in this obituary, and his children, who were mentioned but were edited out so we could fit in a picture.