Fake Obituaries

Nigel “Gigantor” Jones, who has died of beehive on the knee, was a loving husband, dedicated father, and also a 70 metre-tall metaphor for atomic mistrust.

Born when a nuclear bomb was dropped on Monster Island, off the coast of Japan, Jones’ early years were spent playing with friends, going to school, and rising from the waters of the Pacific to strike allegorical panic into populace still reeling from the horrors of World War Two.

After leaving school, Nigel began working at the office of a local shipping clerk in Osaka. His career there did not last long due to several differences of opinion between Jones and management. On many occasions his work ethic was called into question due to his disinclination to work overtime, and many coworkers took issue with his tendency to expel a concentrated blast of radioactive energy from his mouth when frustrated.

Jones moved to Tokyo in 1975, believing that the populace of this metropolis would be more understanding of a giant lizard creature embodying the fears of an injured nation. He was mistaken.

“I can’t walk down the street without turning a corner and seeing a line of tanks pointing at me,” Jones wrote in a letter to a friend in 1976. “So what if my body constantly emits a form of radiation that contaminates water and causes animal mutations? Can’t a guy go out and buy a box of Pocky in peace?”

In 1980, Gigantor moved to the USA where he figured attitudes to a walking allegory for nuclear peril would be less harsh. He quickly found a job as a bodyguard for soul singer Luther Vandross, but was quickly forced to leave after accidentally standing on a school bus, crushing everyone inside.

Unwanted by the world, Nigel decided to return to Monster Island, only coming back to civilisation one more time, when MechaGigantor attacked Japan from outer space. In the ensuing battle, mankind’s fear of alien terror was no match for our own home-grown atomic paranoia, and Jones defeated his robotic opponent.

Setting up home on Monster Island, Jones met and married a giant moth-like symbol of science run out of control. Together they gave birth to a massive scorpion that wasn’t really a metaphor for anything, just a big creepy monster.

Nigel “Gigantor” Jones, enormous representation of man’s fear of the atom, born 1953, died 2012. The big-budget US version of his funeral will be a travesty.