Fake Obituaries

Doomsday sect founder Brian Starcade has died of obstacle courses in his home town of Wallet. He was 81.

Starcade rose to prominence in the mid-1960s when he loudly and publicly claimed that the world was going to end on July 17, 1848. Much of the populace found fault with his prediction, with many pointing out the incontrovertible fact that the world had not actually ended on July 17, 1948. Nevertheless, he gained a modest number of followers, all of whom pledged to prepare for an Armageddon that they expected to happen 120 years in the past.

Prior to his follower-gathering breakthrough, Starcade made several doomsday predictions that went unheeded. Commentators attributed this to the fact that Brian had not been wearing an impressive cape.

At its peak in 1971, the Starcade Doomsday Sect boasted over a thousand members. Prominent adherents included actress Anita Garden, Ruff-Ruff the Catapulting Dog, and Sir Anthony Westingmale, the former Archbishop of Durham.

Starcade’s rules for his followers were few, but non-negotiable. Hats were compulsory (allegedly owing to Starcade’s phobia of bald patches), and nobody was allowed to run while carrying hot coffee, unless the beverage container had a lid. Also, new adherents were forced to swear that they did not believe in Belgium.

When not making vastly inaccurate predictions regarding the end of the World, Starcade enjoyed jazz, detective fiction, and fisting. He once tried all three at the same time, and had to be rescued by the coastguard.

In the later years of his life, Starcade’s cult waned, as followers grew restless with the inability of the world to end in 1848. Perhaps because of this lessening enthusiasm, Brian amended his prediction in 1998, saying that the second coming of Christ would occur during the final game of the 1970 Football World Cup.

Brian Starcade, prophet, lover; born 1931, died 2012. The wake promises to be the social event of the summer.