Fake Obituaries

[Due to the nature of Sir Ian’s life and career, several elements of this obituary have been redacted at the request of the Ministry of Defence, on grounds of national security]

Sir Ian Funque-Renegadus, who has died at the age of 78, was one of Britain’s most successful espionage agents. He spent years of his life undercover, risking his life for Queen and country in nations all over the world.

Born in Grennock, near [REDACTED] in Kent, Ian’s early family life was [REDACTED]. His parents, [REDACTED] and [REDACTED], were a local politician and nurse, respectively, although George was forced to retire at a relatively young age due to ill-health, and Barbara left her job to look after him.

Ian joined MI6 upon leaving school in the summer of [REDACTED], six years after the end of the Second World War. He was immediately stationed in [REDACTED], where he was tasked with [                                                                              REDACTED                               ], without disturbing the local antelopes, and [                        REDACTED                        ] with the [REDACTED] while dressed as a woman.

After two years of excellent service, he was promoted to [REDACTED] and sent on a mission to [REDACTED], where he found himself trapped in a [                                                 REDACTED                                        ] bucket of llama gonads [                                       REDACTED                              ] when the nuns fainted at the sight of [                    REDACTED                      ] chipmunk in a cardigan.

[               REDACTED               ] sixteen tons of regurgitated ham [                             REDACTED                        ] otherwise known as “Mister Grabby-Pants” to the other Supreme Court judges [                       REDACTED                 ] couldn’t find the off-switch [                                      REDACTED                                  ] and twelve people were seriously injured.

[                                                                                                                                                           REDACTED                                                                       ] “Amsterdam Pissing Competition” [                                                                                                                                              REDACTED                                                                                              ].

In 1979 Funque-Renegade was responsible for guarding Britain’s stockpile of nuclear weapons, making sure nobody entered the facility in which they were kept unless they knew the access password, “Gallivanting,” a password which has not changed to this day.

Upon his retirement in 1998, Sir Ian took up several hobbies, including gardening, reading books about the history of [REDACTED], and auto-[REDACTED] asphyxiation.

Sir Ian Funque-Renegadus, born 1933, died [REDACTED]. In lieu of flowers, his family have requested donations to Sir Ian’s favourite charity, [REDACTED].