Thestlethwaine Glod, who has died of imaginary kneecaps at the age of 79, was a fashion designer whose clothes were as innovative as they were unwearable.
Glod was born to an incredibly religious family in the village of Maimshaft. Her early years were not spent at school, but she instead assisted her parents in recreating the passions of Saint Mumm-Ra de Bicycle. As such, Thestlethwaine learned at a very early age how to cut fabric, and also cry uncontrollably while carrying a giant spoon up a mountain.
Glod’s interest in the world of high fashion came in her late teens, when she accidentally set fire to a neighbour. She later spoke of her “fascination…with the vibrant reds and yellows of his blazing clothes, [and] the screaming, the screaming, the screaming.”
When she enrolled in fashion school, Glod’s parents disowned her and adopted a badger that they treated as their own daughter. When the badger was found defecating in a saucepan they disowned it as well.
Thestlethwaine’s first fashion show after graduation ended in chaos when the audience mistook her clothing creations for visions of the unknowable infinite. Many buyers from the large fashion houses had to be restrained with belts.
In the late 1960s, Glod established herself as one of Britain’s premier designers when she set upon her trademark look. Comprising of an elevated hem with a beeline between the taint and wattle, it took the nation’s youth by storm until it was put down by the authorities in 1971.
Throughout the 70s and 80s, Thestlethwaine designed suits for men in haircut posters. She said that she enjoyed this work as it was “as easy as pissing on a cucumber.”
After retirement, Glod revoked her own citizenship and fled to Paraguay. She lived there until her death, and now nobody knows what to do with the body.