Fake Obituaries

Cameron Camstab, who has died of flagrant benevolence aged 62, was an internationally recognised babysitter who achieved success at both heavyweight and middleweight levels. Her career record of 81 wins (46 of them by knockout) and 12 losses, with 4 split decisions, remains one of the best in the history of babysitting.

Born in Goitwich, Fonfoncester, Cameron felt like an outcast in her family, partly due to the fact that many of her older relatives seemed like they were from another generation. Indeed, half of them were from a completely different gender to hers. For this reason, she became somewhat of a tearaway.

Petty criminality led to weighty criminality, and in 1965, before she had turned 16, Camstab found herself in front of a judge for impersonating a chair. He gave her a choice: join a character-building social group, or go to prison. She chose the former, and immediately started training as a babysitter.

Under the tutelage of famed babysitting trainer Gordon McAchno, Camstab developed into a formidable babysitter. With a dominant left hook, excellent stamina, and a definite no-nonsense approach to bedtime, she rose through the local ranks, winning as many plaudits as she did matches.

In her first regional competitive bout, Cameron faced the highly-fancied Gumthorpe Twins. Despite nearly succumbing to their clinical tantrum technique, she prevailed through aggression, nifty footwork, and the threat of “no dessert if you don’t behave”.

In 1968, Camstab got her first shot at an international middleweight title. Victory came in just two rounds, with her opponents, Molly and Sam Bagshaw, defeated by technical knockout. She held the belt for three years, until a controversial judging decision in Las Vegas gave the title to the US-based Gadspur family.

After her loss, Camstab turned her attention to the heavyweight division. Her first bouts were not promising, with a particularly bad loss to a 92-pound 8 year old girl causing many to doubt her ability. But she switched trainers to the more progressive Jock McHarrrghy, and her heavyweight babysitting prowess returned. She won the title in the fabled “Childminding in the Jungle” bout in Equatorial Guinea in 1974.

Camstab announced her retirement in 1983. She spent several years on the talkshow circuit and became a commentator for the BBC’s Saturday Night World of Babysitting show. She briefly came out of retirement for a lucrative match against the enfant terrible of the babysitting world, 1-year-old Honeywell Smitts, in 1987. A shadow of her former self, Camstab was beaten by a fifth-round poop explosion.

Cameron Camstab, former world champion babysitter, born 1949, died 2012. All flags will be flown at half mast from this Thursday until the third week in October.